I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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