mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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