So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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