After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
