Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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