i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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