I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Acid is not a monday night drug
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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