I should be sponsored by Trojan
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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