I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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