just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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