Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
