if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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