If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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