sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Even my vagina gasped.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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