if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
