o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
