Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It's just like the Real World with babies
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
