so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
