Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
