Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
