I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
