cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
