Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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