just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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