I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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