This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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