i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
