Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
and she was petting her beer can
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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