the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
These tits shall not be calmed
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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