My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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