just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
