I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
