i was born a porn star she said
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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