she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
