I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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