i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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