Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
