Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
