I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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