What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
