I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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