I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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