If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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