Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
