My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
