Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
They have beer where we have blood.
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