I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
