She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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