god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
