I'm passing your future prison.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
