you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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