oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Two words: blizzard sex
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
