You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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