i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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